Metamorphosis

There was once a time I didn't really feel I was very special or remarkable in any way. I felt like my body was too pudgy to be attractive and I felt that I wasn't particularly pretty or charming. I wasn't very healthy let alone being any kind of strong. Now, I look back on that image I once held of myself and laugh. I laugh because it isn't even close to true. It wasn't true then and it isn't true now, nor will it ever BE true. I laugh at the astonishing ignorance of all of those statements yet how they have guided the course of my life. But for all the sadness I inflicted upon myself with those self-sabotaging beliefs, the scars help form the woman I am today. I am transformed.

I was finishing up my senior year of college at the University of Maine when everything changed. I remember walking across campus to get to class when suddenly I choked up and began to sob uncontrollably. Right there on the quad in front of the library. Huge tears and choking sobs I couldn't contain came rolling out and at the time I swear to you I had NO idea why. This would happen almost every day and I came close to missing an entire month of classes before I sought help. Together with my therapist's help, I began to deal with all the sadness and confusion of my youth (daughter of an alcoholic father) that was literally crying to get out and dealt with. Years of turmoil, both repressed and suppressed, were fighting their way to the surface of my consciousness. Most days I had a very hard time sitting still for any length of time; I was always antsy and agitated from a mind gone wild.

So one day I went for a run.

Mind you, I had NEVER gone for a run. I got about fifty feet that first time I think. Then I walked for a while. My body started to relax now that it had an outlet for the pent up energy and my mind started to feel on track. Then I ran again, then walked. So on and so on. I can still recall the first time I ran the entire one mile stretch of the road I lived on. I had been so lost in thought that I hadn't realized I ran the whole way. I started jumping up and down and cheering out loud for myself: it was a complete rush like I'd never experience before! Soon after that I began running more, doing 5k races and even joining a gym. Thus my new "fit" life was born.

So when was it that I was transformed? Was it the moment that I first stepped out the door to go for a run? Or maybe it was when I had my first session with a personal trainer and thought, "holy shit this is the job for me!" I like to think it was every time I made a healthy choice. Every time I chose to go for a run in the woods with the sole purpose of getting emotions out (I'd run so hard I couldn't suppress anything anymore and I'd end up bawling). Every time I chose to eat a healthy meal. Every time I chose to throw away any negative self talk I transformed a little more.

Nowadays I'm a completely changed woman. But I don't look that different then I did back then, I'm still recognizable as myself. It's been ten years of progress and this whole time I've been slowly changing. My metamorphosis wasn't literally me turning INTO a different person. A butterfly isn't born overnight, it is through a long series of smaller changes that this amazing little critter eventually changes from an egg into a butterfly. Instead little by little, it was the relationship between my body and my mind that changed.

I am no longer that same scared little self-saboteur I once was. I no longer bully my own self just because the world feels out of control. I have learned that all of it, all of the power, is within me. All I have to do is be me, accept me and let the phenomenal symbiosis of mind and body crush any trouble that gets in my way! Of course sometimes I still get scared but now I use that fear as a motivator. When I feel fear I know it's a road sign telling me I'm getting close to the edge of my comfort zone. And that edge is EXACTLY where I need to be so that I can do the most good for myself and for the world.

So every time I chose to go for a run, every time I chose to deal with my problems, every time I chose to run a little faster a little longer, every time I choose not to put the barbell down, and every single time I choose not to give up I am giving myself bigger and brighter wings.

I would LOVE to hear your stories of transformation! I will be compiling them and putting together a series of motivational stories! Please please email them to me at chalkandchi@gmail.com!

Much love,

Michelle